When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
You Might Also Like
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
Huge, if true.
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing