When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
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My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
This one’s “Alex”.
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.