When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
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Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
u spoke cat all this time??????