When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
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Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
When can I start eating bats again.
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.