@fightforfood

When you guys describe me to your families do you use the word tigress? I’d prefer if you included tigress

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@jwoodham

Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.

@FatherWithTwins

7yo: What are these?

Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.

7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time

@Jez1

It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.

@JPLFR80

If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.

@liv_thatsme

I call my nephew “dude” and “kid” because I’m a cool aunt. Also because I can’t remember what his name is.

@DevilryFun

You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.

@sexncake

I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.

Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.

@Shen_the_Bird

me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral

god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit