When you guys describe me to your families do you use the word tigress? I’d prefer if you included tigress

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Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.


7yo: What are these?

Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.

7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time


It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.


If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.


I call my nephew “dude” and “kid” because I’m a cool aunt. Also because I can’t remember what his name is.


You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.


I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.

Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.


me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral

god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit