Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
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*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
me: are you a cop you talk the talk.
ex-cop: not anymore
me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.
ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?