When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
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On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
They must have gotten it to go.
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
Name this drama.
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.