When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
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sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*
Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
[At the police station]
Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning
Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe
Cop: okay what
Shhh!
Shhh!
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Shhh!
Shhh!-Librarians arguing
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
I’m having an out of money experience.
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.