When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
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I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
[human resources]
Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?