When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
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I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
For the baby who has everything
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
repaired
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…