1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
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I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swearME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety
me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?
boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud