>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
You Might Also Like
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]
Bruce: Viagra!
Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-
Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!
Dr: Ok
*Bruce Dies…Hard*
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.