When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
You Might Also Like
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around