When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
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some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
Man goes to a Doctor.
“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”
“Does it burn?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
sliding into dms like
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
i was baptized in a car wash
Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.