When you kidnap a writer.
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I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
I think this should do it.
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
dads on road-trips be like
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something