when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
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Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.