Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
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You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
Schrödinger’s cookie
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.