When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
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My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail