When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
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“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK