So far I have determined that two of my kids, the kettle, the cat, the plants and the phone are NOT cake.
Unrelated: my wife is leaving me
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
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waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
*tries to get a life.
Life: I have a girlfriend.
Justice League HQ
Batman: -so they pay me 1 mil a yr
Superman: 1.5 for me
Aquaman: I’m paid in sand dollars
Wonder Woman: you guys get paid?
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
“You want a BOOTH?!”
“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”
“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”
~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand
My husband is the nicest guy that I could ever dream of (murdering).