When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
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Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now