When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
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That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
Okay, I’m still confused…
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
Good morning!
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo