When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
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Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep
Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind
6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
ME: i trained this chicken to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: what’s a male deer
CHICKEN: buck
ME: how much is 200 pennies
CHICKEN: buck buck
HER: this sucks
ME: it gets better
CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen
Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.