When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
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If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
No regrets in 2018
Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.