When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.

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They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.

I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.


Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right


Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”


me: we should have a housewarming party

dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now


Mary and Joseph watch the 3 wise men leave
M: I can’t believe they went off the registry.
J: I know! Even the son of god needs burp cloths.


Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.

Me:He was much better at fighting than me.

Police:Ok is there anything else?


I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot


It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*