@thedailymarker

When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.

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@Duke1173

They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.

I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.

@BigJDubz

Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right

@pondermymaker

Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”

@TweetPotato314

me: we should have a housewarming party

dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now

@usermcuserface

Mary and Joseph watch the 3 wise men leave
M: I can’t believe they went off the registry.
J: I know! Even the son of god needs burp cloths.

@ThePocketJustin

Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.

Me:He was much better at fighting than me.

Police:Ok is there anything else?

@jaketapper

I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot

@Kyle_Lippert

It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*