@jgordonwright

When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…

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@markleggett

I just whispered “Come at me, bro” to a bug and it ran towards me, so now I’m in my car driving away from my old life.

@JulieSnark

Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.

@KandyKoehn

me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!

@KarlousM

Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.

@Terdoh

How dare you complain about your life? Someone’s mom is Snooki.

@VerbsRProudest

Overheard

Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.

@iwearaonesie

[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work

@senorwinces

If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.

@dlicj

me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri