When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
You Might Also Like
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.
[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.