When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
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me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.