“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
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Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
[front of card]
No one will find your body[open card]
as attractive as I do[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
Happy weekend !
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.