Think about how many variations of apple there would be had they not mercy-killed the pineapple guy before he could name more fruits
When you rob an Ikea store they probably make you put all the money in the bag yourself.
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SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Me: Chandler shut up!
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.