The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
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If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
She was REALLY feeling it.
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.