When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
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Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
Always a little embarrassing having to admit that I met my wife through Twitter so whenever anyone asks I keep it vague and just say that she groomed me online.
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
Natty or not?
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
⚠️ Important Reminder:
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.