When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
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[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
me and the Superbowl rn
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
Camping tip: No.
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me