When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.

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Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves


My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.


shopkeep, trying to gently shoo away the wild goose with a broom: please go

me: you SWEEP goose? you sweep its body like the garbage? oh! oh! jail for shopkeep! jail for shopkeep for One Thousand Years!!!!


I’m opening up a restaurant called: I Don’t Care, Where Do You Wanna Go?


internet stranger: hey you’re so sexy wanna role play?

me: sure, you be Bruce Willis at the end of Armageddon.


My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.


ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?

DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow

ME: Can I shake hands with people?

DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them

ME: …


ME: …

DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one


I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.


Just found some clothes my ex left here.
Perfect timing since I’m out of toilet paper.