Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
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My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
shopkeep, trying to gently shoo away the wild goose with a broom: please go
me: you SWEEP goose? you sweep its body like the garbage? oh! oh! jail for shopkeep! jail for shopkeep for One Thousand Years!!!!
I’m opening up a restaurant called: I Don’t Care, Where Do You Wanna Go?
internet stranger: hey you’re so sexy wanna role play?
me: sure, you be Bruce Willis at the end of Armageddon.
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
Me: I feel skinnier today!
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
Just found some clothes my ex left here.
Perfect timing since I’m out of toilet paper.