@ItsLaTourette

When you say ” friends with benefits” I assume you own a medical Marijuana dispensary and or a liquor store

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@DomesticGoddss

Mom Math:

If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?

@holypurgatory

A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.

@3sunzzz

Me: My son totaled another car.

Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?

M: yes

P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!

@SoVeryBritish

Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells

@LoveNLunchmeat

I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.

@waydybee

if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?

@Monicann86

*logs onto Facebook*

*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*

*logs off forever*

@rpbateman

Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.