I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
You Might Also Like
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
For only £3 a month you can adopt an economy passenger. Help us stop the brutal and inhumane way we treat them by donating today. You’ll receive a framed picture of your very own economy passenger and regular updates as to where their luggage might be. Thank you
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.