When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
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Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.