When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
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What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”
[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]
Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?
Me: ok, fine
SO: don’t get bit!
Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.