Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
You Might Also Like
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot
Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
TOP STORY: Do websites create articles with lists and arbitrary numbers to get you to click through? Here are 15 examples you wont believe
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*