I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
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me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!
I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.
Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.
THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”