When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”

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My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*

Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”


“Google, how long will my trip to Cleveland take?

“Your trip will take 5 hours”

“Google, I have a child.

“Your trip will take 9 hours”.


I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.

Gynecologist: …


Me: (sliding a $50 bill in my palm over) What do you say we call it 175 and move on?
Nurse: Sir, just please step on the scale.


My diet could best be described as, “unchaperoned child at a birthday party.”


Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.


Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”