Commas save lives.
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
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My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
“Google, how long will my trip to Cleveland take?
“Your trip will take 5 hours”
“Google, I have a child.
“Your trip will take 9 hours”.
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Me: (sliding a $50 bill in my palm over) What do you say we call it 175 and move on?
Nurse: Sir, just please step on the scale.
My diet could best be described as, “unchaperoned child at a birthday party.”
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”