@SondraDeeMe

When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.

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@JediGigi

Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?

Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread

@lukekarmali

This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter

@ComedicBust

Girlfriend: How old were you when you lost your virginity, 16-17?

Me: [remembering having a bowl cut until I was 28] Around there.

@girlnarly

protagonist: tag you’re it

antagonist: no you’re it

pennywise: are you kidding me?

@BackrowSeats

I try contributing to society but it keeps insisting I take it back.

@ClichedOut

HER: i’m leaving u

ME: is it bc i say “ruh roh” in a scooby doo voice when i mess up

HER: yes

ME: (under breath) ruh roh

@sofarrsogud

YOGA CLASS

INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog

*loud thud

GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.

@shkeeber

Potatoes are just poor defenseless vodka fetuses.

Remeber that the next time you eat a french fry or hash browns, you monsters.

@writerPT

I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.