Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
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This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
Girlfriend: How old were you when you lost your virginity, 16-17?
Me: [remembering having a bowl cut until I was 28] Around there.
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
I try contributing to society but it keeps insisting I take it back.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i say “ruh roh” in a scooby doo voice when i mess up
ME: (under breath) ruh roh
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
Potatoes are just poor defenseless vodka fetuses.
Remeber that the next time you eat a french fry or hash browns, you monsters.
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.