When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
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crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.