When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
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You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes