when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
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moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?
Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?
HR: What?
Me: You can fix that right here, right now
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.