When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
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The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
[2000]
Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
When you “pspspsp” too hard