My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
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Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.