When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
You Might Also Like
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.