We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
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They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
Cake safety first. Always.
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
My diet starts in January
of 2027
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
Air pods looking like an angry frog
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.