@_steamy_mac

When you take up carpentry but hate birds so you have lots of birdhouses with tiny little, “No Vacancy,” signs.

You Might Also Like

@thelateinnings

i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top

@mariokeyparty

Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying

@chuuew

A sequel to a time travel movie but it’s released before the first film

@JohnLyonTweets

At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.

@SarraBeth

“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.

@stephenjmolloy

Me: “There are so many exotic sounding flavours these days. I just can’t resist-”

Doctor: “YOU NEED TO STOP DRINKING SHAMPOO!”

@AnnaKendrick47

The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture

@Abusitron

Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.

Customer: Really? I don’t like it.

Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT

@DanMentos

for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas