When you take up carpentry but hate birds so you have lots of birdhouses with tiny little, “No Vacancy,” signs.

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i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top


Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying


A sequel to a time travel movie but it’s released before the first film


At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.


“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.


Me: “There are so many exotic sounding flavours these days. I just can’t resist-”



The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture


Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.

Customer: Really? I don’t like it.

Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT


for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas