When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
You Might Also Like
I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us~~The crew of the Apollo-G
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
who wore it better?
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.
At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?