When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
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Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
Möther may I have a snäck
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho
My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
this is so top tier i cant
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”