When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
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Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
Don’t tell me what to do
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*