When you try jalapeños for the first time
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People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
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Me: Same.
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
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Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.