@trustinvo

When you try to wash a spoon and it wash you back

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@daddydoubts

My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.

@biorhythmist

Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.

@withanewname

Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.

Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.

Neighbor: That’s my wife.

@stephenjmolloy

Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”

@Gupton68

I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.

@Pliny_theElder

marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does

@SortaBad

“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”

@loribuckmajor

“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”

“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”

@PaperWash

*Signs into Facebook

“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere

*Agrees

*Deletes Facebook