When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
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My biological clock is wheezing.
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
sensitive skin
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
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“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.